My Kid Just Told Me They're Trans: Now What?

Discovering that your child is transgender can be an emotional and transformative moment. As a parent, you might feel a whirlwind of emotions—love, concern, confusion, and maybe even fear of the unknown. It’s completely natural to have questions and uncertainties about what comes next, and any emotion you're feeling is valid. 

The first thing you should know is: you and your family are not alone on this journey. This guide aims to provide you with advice, resources, and connection to other parents and families like yours to help you move forward with curiosity and love. 

Gender 101

If your child shares with you that they are transgender, or trans, it means they see their gender as different from the one assigned to them at birth. For example, a trans man is someone who was assigned female at birth but identifies and views themselves as male. 

If your child tells you they are non-binary, it means they don’t feel strictly male or female, but somewhere in between, or outside that traditional understanding of gender. 

Being transgender or non-binary isn’t a negative thing—these neutral terms are words that describe who someone is, and they help us understand and support them better. (We'll explore these terms more deeply as we go along.)

You Didn’t “Cause” This

It’s natural for many parents to wonder if something they did led their child to identify as trans, but your child’s trans identity is not a reflection of your parenting. Gender identity is something deeply personal, and it’s not something you can shape or control. Just like your child discovers their unique talents, interests, and preferences, their understanding of their gender is another part of that journey of self-discovery. This is a natural and important part of who they are becoming, and it’s not something that’s “caused” by anything you did or didn’t do.

They’re Still Your Child

Your child’s strengths, talents, and unique qualities haven’t changed—those are still very much a part of who they are. Being trans doesn’t limit their potential or their ability to live a happy, successful, and fulfilled life. In fact, by embracing their true self, they have the opportunity to grow even more into who they’re meant to be. You might have envisioned their future in a different way, and it’s ok to take time to adjust. Your love and support can help them thrive, and just like any other child, they will pursue their dreams, build meaningful relationships, and find joy in their life.

Gender vs. Sex

At birth, doctors assign a person’s sex based on physical traits like chromosomes, hormones, and reproductive organs. But gender is about so much more—it’s how we personally understand and express who we are. If someone’s inner sense of their gender doesn’t match the sex they were assigned at birth, they might identify as transgender (or trans) or nonbinary.

When we talk about identity and how we express ourselves, it’s important to know the difference between sex and gender. Here's a simple breakdown:

• Sex: This is about the biological traits that classify someone as male, female, or intersex. Things like chromosomes, hormones, and physical anatomy play a role here.
• Gender: Gender is about how society views behaviors, roles, and expectations. It’s shaped by culture, but also deeply personal. It’s how someone identifies and expresses themselves, and how they’re seen by others.

What is Gender Identity?

Gender identity is how someone deeply feels about their gender—whether they see themselves as male, female, a blend of both, neither, or something else entirely. Gender identity is internal, meaning it’s all about how a person perceives themselves. There’s no one-size-fits-all experience.

What is Gender Expression?

Gender expression is how someone outwardly shows their gender identity. This can be through things like the clothes they wear, their hairstyle, their voice, or even the way they move and carry themselves.

Your child might still be trans or non-binary even if they’ve never expressed their gender in a way that’s different from the sex they were assigned at birth. This can happen for a number of reasons—social pressure, fear of rejection, or not wanting to disappoint you or other loved ones can make it hard for people to show who they really are. Many youth and adults feel the need to hide their true identity until they feel more confident or safe enough to come out. It’s not unusual for someone to wait until they’ve fully embraced their identity and feel secure in their surroundings before sharing that part of themselves.

It’s Not a Phase

Experts believe that by around age 2, children start to recognize gender, and by age 4, most have a stable sense of their gender identity. A 2022 study found that 97.5% of kids who identified as trans between the ages of 3 and 12 still identified the same way more than five years later. In other words, most trans children continue to identify as transgender or non-binary as they grow older. The idea of "desistance"—or reverting to the gender they were assigned at birth—is actually quite rare. Trusting and affirming your child’s identity is key to supporting their well-being and happiness as they grow.

Helpful Terms to Explore

1. Cisgender: Cisgender, or "cis" for short, describes someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. It’s a neutral term and simply means the opposite of “trans.” Most people are cis.
2. Pronouns: Pronouns are the words we use to refer to people, such as he/him, she/her, they/them, or ze/zir. Using the correct pronouns for someone is a simple but powerful way to show respect and affirm their gender identity.
3. Gender dysphoria: Gender dysphoria is the distress some people feel when their gender identity doesn’t align with the sex they were assigned at birth. While not all trans people experience dysphoria, for those who do, it can be a significant challenge that affects mental health and motivates many people to transition.
4. Transition: Transitioning is the process a person may go through to live as the gender they identify with. This can include social changes (like using a new name and pronouns), legal changes (updating legal documents), and/or medical steps (such as hormone therapy or surgery). Some people may choose to do all of these, and others may do none at all: every journey is unique.

Reminders

Your Child's Future

Your child’s strengths, talents, and abilities are still very much the same. Their gender identity doesn’t take away from who they are or what they’re capable of—it only adds to their journey of self-discovery. Your child can absolutely have a happy, successful, and fulfilled life, just like anyone else.

Their gender identity won’t limit them from pursuing their educational or career goals. At Point of Pride, we’ve had the privilege of supporting hundreds of trans people of all ages in accessing healthcare, and many of them have gone on to build successful careers in law, medicine, education, the arts, and more.

There's No Single Way to Be Trans

Your child’s journey is their own, and no two experiences are exactly the same. Being transgender doesn’t mean your child will automatically want or need any specific medical treatments. Some trans people choose to transition socially, without any pursuing medical interventions. Others may explore hormonal or surgical changes with the guidance and support of healthcare providers. Transitioning looks different for everyone.

Supporting your child means respecting their choices and recognizing that their path may not follow a set narrative. It’s about listening to what they need and helping them find the right resources and support for their unique journey. By acknowledging and respecting your child’s individual experience, you’re creating a space of love and acceptance that allows them to grow and thrive as their authentic self. 

Your Support Is Life-Changing

Your love and acceptance as a parent can have an extraordinary impact on your child’s well-being. Many studies show that trans people who have family support and social affirmation tend to experience greater life satisfaction, higher self-esteem, and an overall improved sense of well-being. 

The impact of your unconditional support goes beyond improving daily happiness. Research from The Trevor Project and others shows that affirming and accepting a child’s identity greatly reduces their risk of suicidality. Your love and acceptance of who they are is crucial. By standing by your child, you’re not only helping them thrive—you’re ensuring they feel safe, valued, and loved.

Simple Ways to Support Your Child Right Now

Affirm Their Identity

• One of the simplest yet most impactful ways to support your child is by using the name and pronouns they prefer. If they’ve shared a new name or nickname with you, use it; if they haven’t yet, you might ask them how they’d like to be called. As you get used to addressing them differently, know that mistakes happen, and that's okay—just correct yourself, move on, and continue to practice.
• Support your child’s gender expression by allowing them the freedom to choose their clothes, hairstyle, and other ways they want to express themselves. This might mean shopping in different sections of stores or exploring new styles. Your child may also be interested in wearing a garment such as a binder or gaff.
• Take the time to learn about transgender issues and experiences. Books, articles, and websites can be incredibly helpful.

Prioritize Safety

• Make your home a space where your child feels safe and affirmed. Have open, honest conversations about their needs and experiences, and ensure that all family members are on board with offering support. 
• Always encourage family members, friends, teachers, healthcare providers, and other adults to respect your child's name, pronouns, and gender identity.
• Talk with your child about how to navigate situations where they might encounter misunderstanding or discrimination. Practicing different scenarios together can help them feel more prepared and confident in advocating for themselves.
• Simply listen. Allow your child to share their feelings and experiences without judgment.

Show Unconditional Love

• Celebrate their milestones and achievements. Maybe they’ve styled their hair differently or maybe they’re starting school using a new name: this is an opportunity to build their confidence as their ally.
• Above all, let your child know that your love for them is unwavering.

At School

One of the most effective ways to ensure your child feels supported at school is by scheduling a meeting with the school administration—this might include the principal, guidance counselor, and teachers. During the meeting, share your child's preferred name, pronouns, and any specific accommodations they may need to feel safe and comfortable. Coming prepared with this information will help the school understand how to best support your child.

You can also tap into external resources and organizations that specialize in supporting transgender youth in schools. Groups like GLSEN, the National Center for Transgender Equality, and PFLAG provide valuable materials, training, and support for both families and school staff.

At the Doctor’s Office

Speak with your child's current primary care physician to update them on your child’s name and pronouns, and ask about their experience working with trans patients. This conversation helps ensure your child feels seen and respected in a healthcare setting. If needed, you can also explore specialists in trans healthcare to provide more targeted support. 

Assembling a healthcare team that is knowledgeable and experienced in trans healthcare is essential. These providers have the expertise to address the unique needs of trans individuals, ensuring that both you and your child feel supported and informed throughout the process. 

Even if medical transition isn’t something your child is interested in or ready for right now, it’s still helpful to familiarize yourself with the available treatments—their benefits, risks, and processes—so that if the time comes, you can make thoughtful, informed decisions together with the support of your healthcare team.

In Your Community

Supporting a transgender child goes beyond the home or school—it’s about fostering an inclusive and supportive community as well. You might consider getting involved in or organizing local events that celebrate and support LGBTQ+ individuals. These kinds of activities help create a positive, inclusive environment where your child can thrive. We’ve often heard that attending Pride Month programming or parades can be a bonding experience for parents and children alike. Again, CenterLink’s directory is a great tool to find a Center near you and learn more about events in your area.

It’s also important to research both state and federal laws that may impact or protect your child, particularly if your child is under the age of 18. Being aware of the legal landscape helps you advocate more effectively and ensures that your child’s rights in healthcare, education, access to public accommodations, and more are upheld. Stay informed about changes in legislation, and don’t hesitate to connect with legal advocacy organizations like the Transgender Law Center and Lambda Legal for guidance and support if you feel your child’s rights are being violated. The more informed and active you are, the more empowered you’ll be to support your child in all aspects of their life.

Get Support

Resources for Yourself

It’s important to take time for yourself. Remember, it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions—it’s a big transition for you, too. Support for parents is just as important as support for your child. PFLAG, Gender Spectrum, and even your local ACLU chapter offer education, resources, and social support designed specifically to help parents like you. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Finding a therapist who specializes in working with families of transgender individuals can also be a huge help. Therapy offers a safe, non-judgmental space where you can process your emotions, ask questions, and develop strategies for supporting your child. When looking for a therapist, seek out someone who has experience with the LGBTQ+ community, specifically with caregivers and families of trans youth, and ask what their approach to family support looks like.

Taking care of yourself while supporting your child is essential.

Find information, education, and support:

• PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays): Offers in-person and virtual support groups for the parents and families of LGBTQ+ individuals.
• Gender Spectrum: Provides a wide range of educational resources for parents.
• Local ACLU Chapters: Many ACLU chapters offer resources and support for parents.
• Centerlink: Find local LGBTQ+ centers and resources in your area. Centers may have their own mental health services or may be able to refer you to other organizations, therapists, and more.
• Parents of Trans Youth: Parents of Trans Youth provides learning, support, and community to parents and caregivers of gender diverse kids.
• HRC’s Guide to Understanding the Basics: A helpful resource for caregivers navigating gender diversity in their child for the first time.
  
  
  

Resources for Your Child

Ages 3-6: Early Exploration 

At this stage, children are just beginning to explore their sense of self and may express their gender identity through play, clothes, or the activities they gravitate toward. Providing affirming books and engaging in inclusive activities can help your child feel supported and understood.

Books:

• Red: A Crayon's Story by Michael Hall
• Love Makes a Family by Sophie Beer
• The Family Book by Todd Parr
• I Am Jazz by Jessica Herthel and Jazz Jennings
• Introducing Teddy by Jessica Walton
• And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell
• The Adventures of Tulip, Birthday Wish Fairy by S. Bear Bergman
• Casey’s Ball by Kit Yan
• Is that for a Boy or a Girl by S. Bear Bergman
• Our Rainbow by Little Bee Books
• Jacob's New Dress by Sarah Hoffman
• My Rainbow by Deshanna and Trinity Neal
• Federico and All His Families by Mili Hernández

Films/Media:

• Blue's Clues & You! - Pride Parade Sing-Along

Activities:

• Coloring pages, crafts, and pretend play that reflect diversity in gender expression can be empowering for young children.

Ages 7-12: Developing Identity

As children grow, they may express their gender identity more clearly. This is a crucial time to listen, affirm, and provide tools that foster self-expression. Encourage open conversations and introduce resources that offer positive representations of transgender and non-binary identities.

Books:

• Bodies Are Cool by Tyler Feder
• Julian Is a Mermaid by Jessica Love
• When Aidan Became a Brother by Kyle Lukoff
• It Feels Good to Be Yourself: A Book About Gender Identity by Theresa Thorn
• A Family Is a Family Is a Family by Sara O’Leary
• Neither by Airlie Anderson
• Maiden and Princess by Daniel Haack
• Prince and Knight by Daniel Haack
• George by Alex Gino
• The Best Man by Richard Peck
• Lily and Dunkin by Donna Gephart
• The Every Body Book: The LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids About Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families by Rachel E. Simon
• This Is Our Rainbow: 16 Stories of Her, Him, Them, and Us edited by Katherine Locke and Nicole Melleby
• The Pants Project by Cat Clarke
• Gracefully Grayson by Ami Polonsky
• Hurricane Child by Kacen Callender
• George by Alex Gino

Films/Media:

• The Bravest Knight (Hulu series)
• She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (Netflix series)
• The Gender Reveal (Kid-Friendly Episodes)
• Steven Universe (Cartoon Network series)
• Andi Mack (Disney Channel series)
• Queer Kid Stuff (YouTube series)

Ages 13-18: Navigating Adolescence 

During the teen years, gender identity can become more solidified, and your child may start exploring options like social or medical transition. This is also a time when they may face more social pressures, so it’s essential to foster open communication and create a supportive environment both at home and school.

Books:

• Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin
• The Art of Being Normal: A Novel by Lisa Williamson
• As the Crow Flies by Melanie Gillman
• Beyond the Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon
• Continuum by Chella Man
• Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas
• Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender
  
  
  

Crisis Resources

At any age, if your child is in distress or crisis, it’s vital to have resources readily available to support them.

• Trans Lifeline (U.S., all ages) offers peer counseling, emotional support, and financial assistance to transgender people in crisis. They provide help without judgment or fear of mistreatment. You can reach them at 877-565-8860.
• The Trevor Project (U.S., 24 and younger) is the leading crisis intervention and suicide prevention service for LGBTQ+ youth. They offer 24/7 support through their helpline, chat, and text services, ensuring that your child always has someone to turn to. You can reach them at 866-488-7386.