Voices of Experience: Interviews with Parents of Trans Kids

Parenting is a journey filled with love, learning, and growth, and that journey takes on new dimensions when your child shares that they are trans or non-binary. In “My Kid Just Told Me They're Trans: Now What?” we explored the foundational knowledge, resources, and affirming practices to support your child. Now, with this piece, we’re bringing those lessons to life by sharing the real stories of two remarkable parents.

Mandy Giles and DeShanna Neal are parents who have embraced their children’s identities with open hearts and unwavering support. Their journeys, while unique, offer wisdom, inspiration, and practical advice for other families navigating similar paths. We hope that by hearing their experiences in their own words, you’ll feel more empowered with ideas on how to best support your child.

"For our readers, tell us about your backgrounds and connection with the trans community."

Mandy: I am the mom of three children, two of whom are transgender and identify as non-binary. One came out when they were a freshman in high school, and the other came out when they were a freshman in college. They are both 22 now.

Mandy with her family

When my kids came out, I didn’t really know where to go for information. It’s hard as a parent of trans kids to find information on how to support your kid. Where do you start? How do you interpret all these feelings that you’re having? I chose to self-educate, attend conferences, and go to support groups. I connected with other parents of transgender and gender-diverse youth to get support and find more information. I’ve talked to parents all over the country with kids of all different ages, and making those connections made me realize that parents of trans kids are hungry for more connection, information, and education, and that there were gaps in services. That was one of the sparks that led to Parents of Trans Youth.

We now have an in-person support group at the Montrose Center in Houston, Texas, for parents and caregivers of trans kids. I hear that parents all over the country need that too. I would love to have chapters all over the country and provide in-person support groups. For now, we help virtually all over the country.

Along the way, I started getting very involved in the Texas Legislature. In 2021, I began giving testimony at public hearings and participating in rallies. I learned a very different side of supporting transgender kids and I knew that advocacy needed to be part of my work as well. Part of what I do is going to the Texas Capitol to testify or to speak to school boards that are trying to pass policies that harm transgender kids. Even though my kids are over 18 now, I feel called to be a voice for those parents and families who can’t speak out, especially in Texas for fear of being targeted by our state government.

DeShanna: My name is Deshanna Neal, and my pronouns are she/they. I am a mom of four, two of whom are transgender. I am the first non-binary elected official in the state of Delaware, serving as a state representative for the 13th District. I am also the author of a children's book about my oldest transgender daughter, called Rainbow.

DeShanna with her family

I am the reason pediatric gender-affirming care is legal in the state of Delaware. I fought for eight months, dealing with the state's bureaucracy and threatening to sue to get my older child the care she needed. I then founded a nonprofit in 2022 called the Intersections of Pride Foundation.

Prior to this, I was doing a lot of work nationally. When our story went public, many people wanted to talk to me and share my story of raising a trans child. I ended up helping a lot of other parents with trans kids. I joined the Human Rights Campaign’s Parents for Trans Equality Council. Later, I worked for the National Center for Transgender Equality as a family organizer, reaching out to other families to help them navigate the world as parents of trans kids.

I later started focusing on my home state of Delaware. I'm a born and raised Delawarean, and I realized that while national work is important, it can be slow-moving. I wanted to make a greater impact in my home state. I brought the first-ever New Castle County LGBTQ+ Youth Pride Festival, which started with around 300 attendees at the inaugural event. Then I thought, “What else can I do? What other shenanigans can I create in this tiny little state of Delaware?” So I decided to create a Drag Queen Story Time event in Delaware.

After a while, I felt like I had done everything I could. Then my friends said, “You should run for office!” At first, I thought it was crazy, but I eventually did run, going up against a 16-year incumbent. During my campaign, I knocked on doors and found that people didn’t even know who their state representative was. I ended up winning the primary by 24 votes. During my time as State Representative, I’ve also created legislation that protects gender-affirming care in the state.

Outside of being a state representative, I’m also a therapist for at-risk youth.

"Can you share the emotional journey you experienced when your children first came out? What were your first reactions?"

Mandy: When my first child came out, I didn’t know anything about gender diversity. I think my child was the first transgender person I’d met that I knew of. There was a lot of confusion, doubt, fear, and what I felt was grief and I knew I needed to get help. Education, finding support groups, and leaning on other parents was a huge part of my journey. Connecting with other parents and hearing their joys and challenges helped me to know that I wasn’t alone.

Being a part of PFLAG helped me learn a few important things. One is that it’s okay to have a roller coaster of emotions, but you need to sort through them away from your kid so they don’t think that who they are—their person, their soul—is the source of your distress. I also learned that if your child has changed their gender identity or name or pronouns, it may feel like, “I’m losing the child that was there before.” No, you’re losing your expectations of who your child was going to be. It does feel a little like grief, but you’re not grieving your child; you’re grieving the loss of your expectations.

DeShanna:  My emotions were never upset or shocked. I was just like, "What is going on? How do I fix this, or do I need to? What is this?" It was confusion. It was just like, "What are you telling me, and why can't I find information on it?" Delaware, at the time, only had one therapist that worked with gender identity issues, and she only worked with people over the age of 18. The fact that she took us on could have cost her her license.

"How has your relationship with your children evolved during their transition? What were some key moments?"

Mandy: Since both of my kids are non-binary, understanding their transitions was initially confusing. I asked myself, "What does it mean to be non-binary?" and "What does transitioning look like for them?" The answer is that it varies for each person.

When my first child started to come out, they wanted a different haircut. My husband and I didn’t understand why they wanted this certain kind of haircut, and there was a big fight.  We thought that the world would look at our child differently, and our child was trying to explain that was exactly what they wanted. Looking back, we realize that was a huge part of their transition and a way to express themselves as a 14 year old. If I could do that all over again, I would let them get whatever haircut they wanted.

I began to understand that each child's journey and transition goals are unique. Asking questions like "What clothes make you feel good?" or "What kind of haircut would you like?" helped strengthen our bond. Taking my child shopping and letting them choose clothes from any department showed my support and made them happy. Now that our kids are over 18, we fully embrace their evolving identities, whether it's a new tattoo, body modification, or pronoun.

"How important is it for parents to connect with other families of transgender children?"

Mandy: It’s incredibly important. Many parents feel alone when they discover that they are the parent of a transgender, non-binary, or gender-expansive kid. This loneliness often stems from their child exploring an identity that isn’t widely represented in mainstream culture, leading to a lack of visibility and understanding. The lack of knowledge and the confusion can feel like a very lonely place. Connecting with other parents helps mitigate this feeling of isolation. You realize, “Oh! There are other people like me!” Hearing from parents who are further along in their journey and who experienced similar negative feelings can be incredibly validating. It reassures you that things will get better and won’t always feel this challenging.

I know some parents don’t think they need support because their child isn’t out publicly yet. That’s a tough situation. It’s like there’s a big, hidden elephant in the room that no one acknowledges. These parents are missing out on essential support if they don’t seek it.

I hear from so many parents who are doing 3 a.m. Google searches about parenting a transgender child. When I look at my website’s Google Analytics, I see searches like “support for parents of trans kids” and “how do I know my kid is transgender.” These parents aren’t looking for a speaker on trans youth; they’re looking for help and support in navigating their experiences. These searches often happen late at night, after they’ve put their kids to bed and are left alone with their thoughts.

DeShanna: It is incredibly important for parents to connect with other families of transgender children. It helps parents feel more confident and equipped to support their children, and it provides a strong sense of community and solidarity. Parents can share resources, such as recommendations for affirming therapists, support groups, and educational materials. They can also offer advice based on their own experiences, which can be invaluable when navigating the complexities of raising a transgender child.

When my child first came out, I felt isolated and unsure of where to turn for support. Our story is definitely atypical. Trinity has always really been Trinity. She's on the spectrum and was late to speak, so we put her in a preschool for children with special needs, where she received speech therapy. They would ask her name, her age, her favorite color, and if she was a boy or girl. She would answer the first three, but she would always say she was a girl for the last one. The school would send home notes asking me to work on this with her. I let her wear whatever clothes or have any toy because it's just stuff. I didn't see children as genders, and I was slowly learning this about myself. But I had people telling me, "You gotta fix this." So I would try to correct her, saying, "No, you're a boy." In my head, though, I was questioning, "What is a boy? What makes a boy a boy?"

I remember Trinity's godfather, a trans man who was 17 when I first started talking on this site, saying, "You do know we were all children at one point, right?" That was it. I needed to hear that. I realized, "Oh, right. You didn't just pop up as a trans adult person."

"What have been some of the most rewarding and challenging aspects of being a parent to a transgender child?"

Mandy: The most rewarding thing is seeing the results of affirmation. Both of my kids have had gender-affirming medical care, and the difference it has made for both of them in terms of their confidence and happiness is incredible. Their self-image has improved, and their dysphoria has lessened. Even something as simple as hearing their grandparents get their pronouns right and seeing the way my kids light up is huge! There are so many rewards in parenting, and knowing that we’re doing the right thing is immensely fulfilling. Sometimes, it can be hard for parents due to all the misinformation and deliberate disinformation out there, causing you to question if you are doing the right thing. But when you see how affirmation positively affects them, you realize, “Okay, this is it. This is what I’m supposed to do.”

The biggest challenge is fearing for my kids' safety as transgender individuals, especially with current political developments, and worrying about their future. I think that’s very common among many parents. Even though my kids are technically adults, they will always be my children, and I will always hope and want them to be safe, both physically and emotionally, in any space.

It’s important for parents to know that sometimes, to ensure the safety of their children, they may have to put themselves in uncomfortable situations. Once, when my child and I were at the Capitol for a hearing, we received a safety debriefing. They said, “If you’re an ally and you want to help, you can stand in the gap between the transgender and queer community and those who want to harm them.” That was terrifying and uncomfortable, but it was necessary. I said, “Okay, where do I stand?”

"For parents who suspect their child is transgender or struggling with their gender identity and gender dysphoria, how do you recommend they navigate those first conversations with their child?"

Mandy: If you’re seeing possible clues or signs that your child might be gender diverse, it’s probably not a good idea to outright ask if they are trans. This could put them on the defensive, especially if they’re not ready to share that information. The approach also depends on their age. When they’re younger, as the parent, you may need to take more of a lead in discussing these topics. Most of the time, it’s better to follow your child’s lead and let them tell you when they’re ready. I wish I had conversations with my kids much earlier or had books in the house about people’s differences, gender diversity, and pronouns so that they would have had that information. You can do this more easily with younger kids because teenagers sometimes don’t want to hear you trying to teach them anything. I heard a story from a parent whose child said at four years old, “I’m not a boy. I’m not a girl.” So the parents showed them a book about being non-binary, and the child said, “That’s me!” The parents gave that child the words to describe how they feel.

With older kids, make sure you’re talking about gender diversity, but not necessarily in an instructional way. Be mindful of the shows or movies you’re watching, ensuring they have positive representations of queer and trans people. Maybe mention something positive that happened at work. You want your child to know they are safe and that if they share something about themselves, they will be loved and affirmed. Many kids have heard real stories about other kids coming out and then being kicked out of their homes or running away because their lives became unmanageable. They may feel they have to stay in the closet because they’re afraid of telling their parents.

When my first child came out to us, they were terrified they might be kicked out. I was so shocked! They said it was because they had heard very real and sad stories. I think if I had done a better job as a parent and talked about gender diversity and educated myself about transgender people in general, I could have helped my child. I think this information is becoming more and more mainstream. For someone my age, we didn’t talk about gender diversity, and the word “transgender” didn’t come along for a long time. Having the knowledge to be able to help my child was hard, but I think now that knowledge is available in places like this article for parents to refer to.

"What strategies can parents use to create a supportive and affirming home environment for their transgender child?"

Mandy: Letting your child lead the way in their own journey is really important, and it’s much easier said than done. I sometimes use this analogy: Your child is the conductor of their own train, and by the time they have come out to you as trans, that train has already left the station. You’re running alongside it, and you never will be able to catch up if you don’t stay in sync with them. Don’t be stuck at the station.

A parent asked me a question in my most recent session: “A parent of my kid's friend said that they weren’t allowed to play together anymore because they might turn trans or be influenced. Should I talk to the parent?” My advice is to start with your child first. Explain what’s going on, then ask, “How does that make you feel? Do you want to do anything about it?” Conversations like that could be about anything, like asking if they want to wear different clothes and letting them freely answer. Always ask your child, and they will most likely lead you to the right answer.

Believing your child when they tell you who they are goes a long way. It helps affirm them and lets them know that you trust them, making them feel seen and heard. Simply saying, “Okay, that’s who you are, and it’s wonderful and beautiful, and thank you for telling me,” can be incredibly powerful. It’s important to keep the line of communication open so when your child needs support or has questions, they can come to you rather than trying to find answers or support on the internet.

"How can parents navigate conversations about gender identity with other family members, siblings, friends, and their child’s school to create a supportive environment?"

Mandy: There’s no easy answer to this question because families can be very, very complicated. Gender-affirming care for trans kids is such a polarizing issue. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it definitely cause friction in families, but I’ve also seen it bring families closer. I’ve seen 92-year-old grandmas become the biggest allies for their trans grandchildren and love them harder than anybody else.

My advice is, again, always start with the kid. If your child doesn’t want to be out to anyone else besides you or within your house, then you need to respect that decision. That’s one of the hardest things for parents to do because the toggling of new name - old name, new pronouns - old pronouns can be exhausting… but that’s our job.

In our family, we knew that telling my parents could go many different ways, given their political viewpoints and their own family histories. We decided to delay telling them for a long time. Every so often, I would check in with my kids and ask if they were ready to tell their grandparents, and if they said no, that was fine, and I would ask again later. It came to a point where the whole world knew my child’s new name and pronouns except for my parents, and we were about to celebrate Thanksgiving with them in our home. I approached my kids and said, “I want to honor you in our home on this holiday. If you are comfortable, I think it’s probably time to tell your grandparents.” We had to reach a place where we, as a family, were ready to accept that we might not be able to have my parents in our lives if they were not accepting of our kids.

As a parent, setting boundaries is hugely important, and those boundaries may involve removing people from your lives until they are ready to respect your child. It’s painful when that has to happen, but you have to keep your child’s best interests in mind.

If your family members are lacking in knowledge or are influenced by misinformation in how they treat your child, then educating them gently or being open to questions can go a long way, while still being firm in expecting respect for your child.

DeShanna: I’m the youngest of eight children. My mom says I’ve always been different and have seen the world in a different light. I try to see everyone as the individuals they are, which is hard for us to do because we are naturally inclined to group people together. It's imperative for me to see individuals and find those who understand or take the time to understand, even if they don't have the education on it but want to understand in an intellectual manner. Those are the people I purposely surround myself with.

Of course, being in politics, I am surrounded by people who do not agree with any of my parenting at all. I just look at that as something they don't have to agree with. I'm not going to force anyone to agree with anything I do. They are not in my house, nor do they pay my bills. I mean, if they want to, I would gladly appreciate it, but they don't.

I navigate through negativity by not letting it enter my purview. There’s a great saying that I tell my kids: "The ones who mind don't matter, and the ones who matter don't mind." 

"What would you tell parents whose religious, cultural, or political views don't align with supporting a trans identity?"

Mandy: If you have been brought up in a certain way, whether it’s your family, your community, or your religion, and it’s telling you one thing while your child, maybe even your gut and heart, is telling you something else, it causes huge friction and kind of blows up your worldview. That’s incredibly distressing and difficult for anyone.

In my experience, learning that there were more than two genders totally changed my perspective on the world. Adding the extra layers of religion, education, family, or whatever is telling you that it’s wrong causes a huge amount of emotional distress in parents. It’s important to recognize that sometimes parents have to make very hard choices, like “What if I have to choose between my church and my child?” You need to choose your child.

It’s also important to hold space for the fact that this will be challenging. You may have to question your own assumptions, expectations, experiences, worldview, and baggage. You may have to pick all of those apart and put them back together, which is hard mental work, in order to support your child in the way they need so they can thrive and not become a statistic.

"How can parents balance their own emotional journey with the need to be a strong support system for their child?"

Mandy: One of the things I tell parents is to give themselves space and grace in this process because it’s hard, and to recognize that it’s hard. Most parents are trying to do their best and what’s right for their kids. Often, I’ll have a connection call with parents, and they’ll be upset, but I tell them that they’re doing great. They called me (or are reading this article) because they care about their kid, so I encourage them to take a deep breath and know that it’s going to be okay! Giving yourself that message can be really important in self-care and balancing all those emotions. Just recognizing that those emotions are normal. As one parent said, the highs are a little bit higher and the lows are a little bit lower when you have a trans kid because you’re on a different kind of journey.

Also, therapy is always good! Sometimes you need to work through your own stuff that has nothing to do with parenting a trans kid. There could be many things affecting you, such as how you were brought up—maybe you were taught that there are certain rules about how people are supposed to act, or you were taught to never draw attention to yourself. It’s important to work through those issues and emotions in order to effectively parent a different kind of child than you thought you were going to have.

DeShanna: Being intentional with self-care. Having a therapist or parent support group is also vital to creating a healthy balance.

"How can parents support their child's mental health and well-being?"

Mandy: If your child needs mental health support, finding affirming therapists is very important. It can be hard to find affirming therapists, which is where a parent network can be invaluable. Often, your local LGBTQ community center may not be in a position to provide a list of affirming therapists, but your parent peer group might have good suggestions. It’s also really important for kids to have a peer group, which could be at school, online, or elsewhere. Some parents don’t like when their kids are online talking to friends, but that can be a safe space for your child, especially if they don’t have trusted friends in person. Many LGBTQ centers have social groups as well, like the Montrose Center in Houston. Putting your child in environments where there are other kids like them, supportive adults, role models, and other queer people is so important. This may not be available in every community, but there are online groups and resources that anyone can utilize.

With adolescents, it can be hard to know if they are feeling depression, dysphoria, or experiencing typical teenage mood swings—it can be all of it! Sometimes, professional help is needed to know how to treat them or differentiate between mental health issues and gender identity questioning.

"What advice do you have for parents struggling with their child's name or pronouns?"

Mandy: Name changing and pronoun changing can be hard on parents. First, it’s just something new that you have to get used to! Second, for parents, names are something you think would never change. Names are something that parents put a lot of thought, love, and consideration into. It can feel like your child is rejecting this expression of love, but to them, it might just be a name that doesn’t fit anymore. I’ve heard names described as if you gave your child a shirt that you thought they would love, but over time, the shirt doesn’t fit anymore, so they stop wearing it and choose a new one. It’s not because they don’t love you or didn’t love the shirt; it’s just that they needed something new.

Practice, Practice, Practice! The most important time to practice your child’s new pronouns and name is when they are not around. My husband and I made this mistake.. Our child was in boarding school when they changed their name, so my husband and I used their old name when they weren’t around and the new name when they were. I would not recommend this to anyone! We noticed that this was not respectful to our child and made it a lot harder to learn their new name. Practicing the new name and pronouns with other people, with your partner, and even while talking to yourself while doing chores can be helpful.

If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun or name for your child, a good trick is to use the correct one three times accompanied by a compliment for your child. You’re going to make mistakes—you’re not perfect—but it’s important to apologize, correct yourself, and move on. Avoid over-explaining because it then makes it about you.

DeShanna: We should always, ALWAYS be learning and staying up to date with what's happening in the world around us. But most importantly, knowing what our children are experiencing. I do "pronoun check ins" with my kids every 6 months or so. At this point in our journey, it's pretty hilarious, but it's also helpful. My 13 year old for the longest time went by she/they pronouns, but at our last check in, they expressed they no longer wanted the she/her only they/them. 

I also created a "swear jar" for when I was first using my oldest's pronouns. Every time I slipped, I put money in it. Really helped break the habit.

"What have you learned about how to advocate effectively to make sure your child gets the care and support they need?"

Mandy: Here’s where having an open and trusting relationship with your child is really important, especially after they turn 18 and may need parental help with medical matters or if you’re their caregiver in some way. How you handled their transition will determine the relationship you have when they’re older and how they will invite you along their journey. One of my kids didn’t have gender-affirming care until after they were 18. They didn’t have to invite me to the appointments, but they did because of the relationship we built. When your kids are younger, thinking about your future relationship with them is important. Going back to the train metaphor from earlier, your kid is leaving the station, and you want to be invited on that train.

I have been in positions where I’ve had to advocate for my kids in medical situations. One of my kids was having a consultation for a gender-affirming procedure when they were 17. The hospital that we went to writes the patient's name on the exam table paper before the appointment. When we walk in, we see my child's dead name written in huge letters on the paper.. I ripped it off, threw it in the trash, grabbed new paper, and told the nurses “This is my child's name. It’s in their chart. I want everybody to learn the correct name.” 

With my other child, they had just gotten gender-affirming surgery a few weeks ago, and the nurse was misgendering my child repeatedly during recovery. Again, I had to speak to them directly, be very firm, and demand that they use the correct pronouns. Sometimes, parents need to be the buffer between their child and someone else.

If gender-affirming care isn’t legal in your state, parents need to work to find resources and organizations that help parents in that position. Safety is always the first consideration. In some states, it’s not very safe for parents to be public about being a parent of a trans minor. There are ways to advocate for your child in more anonymous ways, such as connecting with advocacy organizations. These organizations will inform you about what’s happening in your area and what actions you can take so you don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

"What should parents keep in mind when considering medical transition options for their child, such as hormone therapy or surgery?"

Mandy: A lot of parents are hesitant to give the okay for their child to start that journey because of all the misinformation out there. It’s also challenging in general to find quality information. Finding medical professionals that you can trust, who are affirming, and with whom your child is comfortable, should be the number one consideration. Additionally, it’s important to keep in mind that any kind of transition is not going to happen overnight. There are many steps you will have to take before the transition starts. You and your child have the opportunity to take things slowly and gradually become more comfortable as you go along.

DeShanna: Making sure to be as informed as possible but also not make any decisions for their child. They should be having these discussions and making these choices WITH their child and their child's medical team. Education and information will make sure everyone is on board. 

"What would you say to parents who are just starting this journey with their own child?"

Mandy: Breathe. Give yourself space and grace, because this can be overwhelming. Follow your child's lead and let them tell you what they want. Educate yourself on what it means to be transgender. Your child should not be your Google. There are many organizations you can turn to to better understand your child and the transgender community. I find one of the best ways to stay informed or learn is to follow transgender social activists and thought leaders on social media. This can give you a window into their experience and show you transgender people speaking for themselves. There’s only so much you can learn from a parent.

DeShanna: It's okay. That's still your kiddo. They'll still not want to clean their room or take out the trash. Nothing much changes other than a name and probably your clothing budget! Keep loving them. Support them. Affirm them. And most importantly, be their constant safe space because the world may not always be it for them.

Remember

Your child's journey is unique. Embrace it with an open heart, listen to your child's needs, and celebrate their identity. With your love and support, they can thrive and find happiness expressing their authentic selves. You are not alone—there is a community ready to support you and your child every step of the way.